You know when you think you have things figured out - like really, really figured out? Like you're so sure, that you're ready to just go with life, grab everything & run with it? Then God throws you this curve-ball that has a big NOPE written across it in big red letters & smacks you in the forehead with it?  Yeah, me too.

THIS SUNDAY'S MUSINGS

Because of my mother's dietary restrictions, she & my father share the same piece of broken bread of the sacrament.  How beautiful is that - to share this emblem of our Savior's atoning sacrifice with your eternal companion?  This sacred symbol of the ultimate, all-consuming, eternal love of Christ spiritually fills & feeds two souls.

Partaking of your own broken bread is not less-than or less spiritual, my mother simply cannot consume a whole bite of bread without serious physical consequences.  But her special circumstances brought a unique light that filled me with a special love today during the sacrament today.

7.4 JOURNAL

With my mission a hundred days away, I am reflecting more than I ever have.  I've never been the sentimental type - quite the opposite (ask any of my dearest friends, they'll attest wholeheartedly).  But for some reason as I think of the past seven years, of how much my heart & mind have consumed experiences to become who I am now, I'm overcome with closing this chapter of growth.

Reading the poetry that consumed me - both my writings, quickly jotted on napkins, and the ones written by classics & the unknowns - remind me of when I first began to see beauty in the details.  Listening to my playlists I had carefully curated to reflect my emotions precisely - lyrics & melodies bringing back the rawest of times.  Reading my journal entries of precious memories & plans to change the world in magnificent ways; entries of my testimony & the encounters I had with Christ that consumed my heart.  All the letters I wrote, but never had the confidence to gift to those who changed my life in so many ways.  Melodies jotted on scraggly staffs when words couldn't capture the moment.  Talks on faith highlighted, covered in notes.  Books I dog-eared too many times to count, rebound at the spine.  All these things document my transition of childhood to figuring out myself & my heart.  I'm leaving this state of growth with a heart so full.

The next 18 months will be an extreme time for the Lord to transform me one-on-one.  My weaknesses will be laid out & my strengths will be tested more than they ever have before.  The level of my obedience, diligence, and trustworthiness will be brought to light.

After my mission I'll be blessed to grow with the companion God has prepared for me, and that companionship will last through eternity.  This chapter I'm leaving is the last & only time of myself.  It's been truly beautiful.  

I dearly love that younger Leah & the fact that she had no idea that that book, photographer, poem, or story would be the foundation of so many dreams, goals, plans, successes.  I'm proud of her.  Her decisions have brought inexpressible happiness to herself & others - and will continue to do so.

I guess I'm kind-of saying thank you to my younger self.  So.  No avoiding how painfully cheesy this is  -  thank you, Leah.  Thank you for being so stubborn that the only person who could change your mind was yourself (sometimes not even then).  Thank you for reading stories of the raw, dark places mankind has created in our history - it has driven so many goals to purge the world of them.  Thank you for surrounding yourself with the poetry,   stories,   and music that make you feel the deepest emotions; then having the courage to create your own.  Thank you for knowing yourself better than you may have believed at the time.  Thank you for trusting what you knew what you wanted, even when those you loved the most didn't believe you could - for never giving up.  Thank you for protecting your heart from the things that would have destroyed a part of your spirit & joy.  Thank you for relying on the Savior with all your might.  Thank you for always remaining steadfast with an eternal perspective.  Thank you for your eagerness & readiness to do what He would have you do.  Thank you for having the courage - pure insanity at times - to stand for what you knew to be true.

It astounds me to see how perfectly Christ knows me.  He placed people, stories, experiences at exactly the perfect times of vulnerability   and   strength.  Words can't express my love for Him & His goodness to me.  I can't wait to have this time of only doing exactly what He would have me do.  To be His servant completely.  There will be no time for myself.  He's given me 19 years to prepare for this.  I've missed a lot of opportunities to grow.  But I will utilize the ones I didn't miss & give Him my absolute all.